It's Not Gay In Camo

We all remember those long cold nights in the field or on an OP, hell maybe the heater wasnt working in your CHU you fuckin fobbit. Maybe an unexpected cold front came through and all that was on the packing list was the bivy cover and woobie, maybe you were on a mission in the remote mountains of the Hindu Kush and you packed extra ammo instead of cold weather gear, or maybe your goose down comforter was still being laundered by the Ugandans on Speicher you mother-fuckin fobbit. 

Regardless, sometimes the situation dictates hasty actions, which may sometimes be outside of regs. Being queer for your buddy’s gear wasnt always authorized in the military. Simply holding another mans hand could get you a size eleven combat boot up that gay ass. Even though W was prancing around Camp David holding hands with his Saudi butt buddie. 

Unwritten, unspoken, the word. Whatever you wanna call it you know damn good and well before Obama threw a Rainbow on your shoulder it wasn’t gay if you were in camo. ACUs, BDUs, the Woobie, your buddies fart sack, bottoms no top, top no bottoms, I don’t care, if its in camo it aint gay. I’m telling you right now if 1SG is coming around with his L-Shape red lens and you and your battle are butt naked on one side of your fighting position, those gay asses better be under a woobie. If not, well thats a 45 and 45 followed up by a Chapter 15 and orders to Ft. Couch. 

Don’t ask, don’t tell, speculation only. Most people didn’t have a single fuck to give about someone being gay. If you were willing to do this shit for your country then fuck I bet even God might look the other way. Which is why we came up with the unwritten regulation “It’s not gay if you’re in camo.” Now I know if you’re a civilian reading this you’re probably thinking no way is this true. I just have one question for you. How many “tradwives” do you see running around with a fade? That’s what I thought. 

Whether you agreed with it or not, you sure as hell weren’t gonna open your cock holster and get your battle buddy tossed out of the fire guard rotation just for checking out your ass in the shower. It wasn’t always a revolving door of fresh bodies hitting the ranks and sand bags don’t fill themselves. We needed all the dick beaters we could get. Which is exactly why if you’re gonna get gay, get gay in camo (combat boots may suffice in a jam).