Baron Von Blue Book

Have you ever wondered where the neatfreak gay man stereotype came from? Or how the U.S. Army became the most disciplined, well dressed combat machine the world has ever known. I bet you wouldn’t believe me if I told you that it is directly related to the U.S. Army, George Washington and Alexander Hamilton. Well it is! It all has to do with the flamboyant, OCD, bondage bro, extremely homosexual Baron Von Steuben.

Before arriving in the colonies, Baron Von Steuben was a high ranking officer in the Prussian army and close confidant of Frederick the Great himself. Freddy always knew Stueben was gayer than aids but he didn’t care, in their culture it wasn’t that big of a deal, in Europe everyone is a little bit gay. Plus, the Baron could take any military and transform them into a disciplined, well dressed, extremely groomed killing machine. It was the hard bondage, BDSM kind of shit that Freddy had enough of. In the Baron’s late thirties it started as just a little fetish but by the time he hit his mid forties it was all he was into. 

He would invite guests over to what they thought were going to be elegant dinner parties but instead were greeted by Baron Von Steuben in assless leather chaps and a chainmail vest. Servants wearing gimp suits and crawling on all fours with silver platters of food on their backs. This was some weird shit for back in those days, even for the Prussians, maybe not the Dutch but definitely the Prussians. Freddy had finally had enough when at one of these “dinner parties” his wife, Queen Elizabeth got a little too into it. Let's just say Frederick didn’t feel too Great the following morning. The next week he banished the Steubs to America under the guise of a top military assignment. 

By the end of 1777 he and his “not” gay military secretary, Pierre, had arrived in America and were immediately arrested. Not for being gay but for being British, they were beaten up in jail for being gay. This jackass was supposed to be one of the greatest military commanders in Europe, but he couldn’t resist looking his utmost best, especially when arriving in a new nation. This meant he had no choice but to wear red, the color he looked best in. The Baron and Pierre came skipping down the gangway holding hands sporting some of the best looking red coats money could buy in those days. Hand crafted in the Alps by Duke Dolce, and walked down the mountains on the backs of imported alpacas that were descendants of Montezuma’s private stock. Even the uneducated American police took notice of the fancy red coats and made sure not to damage them during the arrest. 

Once the chief got word who this gay European Baron and his secretary were, they were immediately  released from jail and given some horses and a carriage to help them get around America. He even let them stay at his house for the night, where they partied European style. The next morning the Baron and Pierre departed New Jersey and ended up in Boston. Here they started partying and forgot why they were there for a couple months. It wasn’t until February that they finally arrived in York, Pennsylvania where congress was making its temporary headquarters. 

Once there the Baron convinced congress, and Washington to appoint him temporary IG of U.S. forces. With Alexander Hamilton by his side, by May the Baron was taking control of more than just training the troops, he was taking care of their finances too. There were a lot of American politicians and Generals illegally profiting off the war, kind of like today in America but not nearly as bad. He enforced strict accounting records to keep the Army from losing thousands a year. He did this by standing up the Army’s first Finance Corps. Responsible for budgeting, pay and accounting, and all other financial services for the Army and its personnel. 

Once the POGs were all squared away he made his way to the front lines, where General Washington was awaiting his arrival at Valley Forge. Here the Baron was utterly disgusted by the soup sandwich that was bestowed upon him. An excerpt from his personal diary explains his disgust:

“As I arrived in Valley Forge I had no idea the sloppiness that awaited me. These men did not know their asses from their elbows. As far as the eye could see was nothing but shitbags. Shitbags doing rucksack flops, shitbags walking on the grass, shitbags walking and eating, shitbags chewing gum. There wasn’t a single dignified formation, it was nothing but pure gaggle fucks.”

He immediately made his concerns to Washington who gave him a company of 120 men from the Commander and Chiefs Guard to train as the “Model Company.’’ He knew based on the atrociousness and lack of discipline of the Americans he would need more than just some drills and training exercises. He needed something much more powerful, he needed a book. So he authored the Regulations for the Order and Discipline of the Troops of the United States, this later became referred to as the Blue Book. Not because of some underlying reason but simply because it was blue. This was something else the Army would adopt from the Baron, “K.I.S.S”, Keep It Simple Stupid. After all this is a group of individuals who refer to the sun as B.O.B.

The Blue Book contained the most important Army regulations, such as wear and appearance of the uniform and hygiene standards. It contained tactics as well as unit history. Every continental Soldier was issued one of these books and it was deemed a sensitive item that must always be in arms reach. Soldiers were to study it daily and know it from cover to cover. This Blue Book is what transformed our Army from a soup sandwich to a disciplined, extremely well groomed, killing machine that allowed America to defeat the greatest empire the world had ever seen and it is what still allows our troops to defeat enemies of this nation in every war since The Revolution. 

The best Divisions in the Army still issue these books to incoming Soldiers and expect them to know it inside and out. These divisions include every division in the 18th Airborne Corps, the most elite  RA units. Unfortunately for lesser divisions where leadership has faulted in recent decades such as the 1st Armored Division of Ft. Bliss, TX, these books are no longer standard issue for incoming personnel.  And it shows amongst the ranks. I implore anyone in this country to go walk around Ft. Campbell for a day and then walk around Ft. Bliss and you tell me the difference. Even the most civiliany civilian will notice the lack of discipline, most likely because they will feel right at home. 

The Blue Book is what gives our Soldiers the power to defeat any enemy, it is our Arc of the Covenant, our secret weapon. It is what allowed us to end WW1 in a year, defeat the Axis of Evil in three and defeat Saddam in a mere 90 days. The Blue Book must stay an essential piece of issued equipment for all Soldiers if we as Americans expect to keep winning on the battlefield. The Baron is watching.