Mary Philipse Was The Real First Lady
- freedomlyspeaking
- Sep 4
- 2 min read
It was September 1776 when George Washington’s big black boot kicked in the door of the Morris-Jumel mansion and shouted the iconic phrase we all know and love today, “Mary I’m Hoooommmee!” He was looking for Mary Philipse-Morris of course, his first land… I mean love. Anyone who said she had fled the estate to nearby family members is full of shit. She wasn’t afraid of George, she knew how good her land, I mean looks were. And George did too.
If anything, that loyalist wench stuck around just to curse out Georgey boy and tell him how disappointed she was, you know, typical woman bullshit. But anyone who knows a woman knows that if she's a bitchin', she needs a dickin', and anyone who knows George Washington knows… HUGE COCK. So needless to say, she was there, waiting for it.
After a short argument, for appearances, Mary slapped the shit out of G-Dubs when he crossed the line for calling her bitch-ass husband a “lily-livered scaramouch”. She then retreated to her private quarters, this is where history gets interesting. Washington then grabs Corporal Brokdik and tells him to stand guard at the door. According to Corporal Brokdik’s private journal, they banged. And they banged hard. And this bomb didn't “burst in air” if you know what I’m saying.
After what the Corporal described as a “Thunderous Lions Roar of satisfaction”, another brief argument ensued. Corporal Brokdik couldn't make out the entire argument, but was able to hear a few things. According to Brokdik, General Washington said something about “not raising your bastard children” and Mary Philipse calling him a “toothless ninnyhammer”. Anyway, after that George strutted out like the boss he was and Mary Philipse gathered her belongings and her bastard children and left her land behind.
She had to or else George was gonna hang her. Washington was always sensitive about his teeth and when she called him toothless he just couldn’t let it go. In 1779 Mary Philipse-Morris was charged with high treason. George obviously had friends in high places and many speculate he was calling all the shots during the Revolution. What? You think shadow presidents are a modern thing? Wait until I tell you who charged her with treason. The Governor of New York himself… George fucking CLINTON!!!. Surprise surprise, the Clinton’s corruption dates back to the very founding of this nation.
Clinton calls Judge Murchen (a Washington appointee) and tells him to get his DA, literally the fattest lawyer in history, to bring charges against Mary Philipse and her chicken shit husband Roger Morris. In typical Democrat fashion they rewrite the laws so they can persecute their political enemies. It worked. All their land and possessions were seized and they were both charged with Treason. Never to return to America again.
So you see, it was always about Mary. If she wasn't such a crown-loving, freedom-hating cunt she could've had it all. Instead she turned out to be just another non-first-amendment having, peasant, subject to the King. Fucking losers!
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