The Day Racism Ended

“What’s up you dirty bird?” Lee says to Grant as the Union General stumbles into the parlor of the Wilmer McLean house to accept the confederacy’s “Unconditional Surrender”. Grant was dirty as shit, reeked of booze and was holding a half empty bottle of good ol’ Tennessee Whiskey that his soldiers looted. Lee on the other hand was the polar opposite. Sitting tall and sharp in his nicest frock coat with medals perfectly dressed. His dress trousers and long sleeve button down cotton shirt were freshly pressed by a newly freed slave and Lee was still a little ornery that he had to pay him. 

Drunk dead president

Grant showing up 20 minutes late didn’t help Lee’s ill temper either. Grant, being a flamboyant dandy, simply replied by finishing off the bottle, chucked it over his shoulder and said “I’m sill a listle thirty from kicking your asses… both of em” and burst out into uproarious laughter hunching over and grabbing his gut. This laughter went on for several minutes going back and forth between laughing and coughing and finally finishing with Grant coughing so hard he threw up all over the floor. He then walked to the southwest corner of the room and took a piss. 

It's just beer

It was a long ass piss too. Lee grew increasingly angry and impatient but being the Virginian gentleman he was, he harbored this very well, and simply grinned and put back on his glove when Grant approached to shake it. Grant energetically shakes Lee’s hand and has a seat across from him at the table. Lee then removes the glove like a surgeon and simply holds it straight out to his right in between his index finger and thumb at shoulder height. A little newly free slave boy comes running over and fetches the glove to go clean it. Lee then hesitantly reaches into his left breast pocket, pulls out a confederate half dollar and tosses it at the kid. The kid holds up the coin and says “Da fuck I’m posed to do wit dis? Aint yo bitch ass surrendering?” Lee replied “that shits 90% silver” to which the kid had no time for “Do I look like a silversmith?” Lee, not wanting to look worse in front of the shitbag that he was losing to, who was fighting like Antietam to hold back laughter, hastily reached into his front right trouser pocket, grabbed a couple U.S. minted dimes and chucked them at the kids chest. The kid scooped them up and ran out the door. 

Two used to be alive guys.

Now to the hard part, surrendering to Grant. Lee almost thought less of Grant than he thought of black people. Lee was second in his class at West Point and was later appointed as the superintendent. Grant wasn’t even in the top 50% of his class and his final paper was titled Shaekspere’s Conscientious Objections And the Anglo-Spanish War. Lee was a career officer, even being offered command of the Union forces before turning it down to command the Confederates. Grant was a “prior-service” officer. It's bad enough to be enlisted and have a break in service let alone giving up your commission for civilian life only to come back into the military. Lee probably would have rather surrendered to Lincoln himself.

Anyway, after about an hour or so of bull-shitting about West Point and other people they both knew. Forgetting completely about the fact that they are both partly responsible for the bloodiest war in American history, the surrender was signed. Well not really a surrender. Everyone just went home. The Confederates even got to keep their horses. Grant actually dropped Lee off at Arlington on his way back to D.C. And that was pretty much the end of racism in America.  

Drunk as Fuck